In order to save time and money (and limit COVID exposure), I decided to order groceries for pickup this week. It’s great. People do all the work for you and put it in bags and then you just have to pick it up. Love it. Saves tons of time. I am also more likely to resist the siren call of stupid stuff, whereas if I shop in person, I’ll buy some stupid stuff. Anyhow, my order was ready and Husband went to pick it up, but the cashier couldn’t find it.

Husband texting from customer service: What name is it under?
Me: Should be my name. Or yours. I’m not sure.
Husband: Can you give me the confirmation number?
Me: sure. hold on a sec.
(pause)
Me: I am so sorry.
Husband: ?

You know what’s fun? When your inside joke becomes an outside joke, one that keeps paying comedy dividends.

A million years ago, (pre-pandemic, post dinosaurs) a very tired mother (me) took her very cranky child to the grocery store. This mother was lookin’ a mess: floppy hair, dark circles under her eyes. She’d probably woken up at 3am with the cranky child and had not had a nap, hence the crankitude for both. While checking out, the mother was called out by the checkout lady. Checkout lady was also cranky. Behold, a little play about the visit:

CHECKOUT LADY
(with plenty of stank) Do you have a Hannafords rewards card?

MOM
No, I uh. Didn’t know you did that. (child begins to whine)

CHECKOUT LADY
(uncaring) You can save three percent.

MOM
Oh okay. (to child) Get your hand out of the cooler, honey.

CHECKOUT LADY
You should get one as soon as possible.

MOM
Yep.

CHILD yelling and motioning to the conveyor belt
Put me up there! PUT ME UP THERE!

MOM
Honey, no. You can’t go up there. You are not a grocery.
CHILD tries to get out of the cart, gets his leg stuck and starts wailing.

CHECKOUT LADY (ignoring the f*ck out of everything that’s happening )
I’m telling you, you’ll save money.

MOM
Okay. MOM hoists the heavy child out of the cart. The CHILD whaps her thighs with his legs

CHECKOUT LADY
It’s stupid not to sign up.

MOM
Mmm. MOM tightens her lips and thinks, “did she just call me stupid?”

CHECKOUT LADY
Go home tonight and sign up online.

MOM
Will do. Thanks so much.

SCENE

Did I register for Hannaford Rewards? Yes I did. Did I do it in the most amusing, yet passive aggressive way? Yes again. I was NOT about to have that lady harass me again, should I find myself in her line. So, I went home and I signed up. I typed in my email, whatever, and then the place where you enter your name came up. I thought, no one will ever see this, so I’ll have some fun with it. Here ya go, you crusty checkout lady. Here’s my rewards name:

BUTT MUFFLER

I giggled ’til I nearly peed. Then, I pressed enter and forgot all about it.
What I didn’t know is that my little jokey-joke name was not for my eyes alone. The next time I went shopping, I entered my phone number (gotta get that 3% off!) and the cashier gave me a look. “Is that your real name?” she asked. I didn’t know what she meant. I said, “Huh” She said, “it says your name is Butt. That can’t be your real name, can it?” I laughed, turned bright red and said, “It’s a family name. I come from a long line of Butts.” We both laughed.

Since that initial encounter, the name Butt Muffler has become legendary at Hannaford. Cashiers tell me that they’ve heard stories, legends whispered in the dark about Butt Muffler. Many laugh when they see my name pop up on their screens, and God bless ’em. If anyone needs a laugh, it’s cashiers during the pandemic. It’s been so much fun, and I’ve been taking it for granted. Until last Tuesday.

Husband texting from customer service: What name is it under?
Me: Should be my name. Or yours. I’m not sure.
Husband: Can you give me the confirmation number?
Me: sure. hold on a sec.
(pause)
Me: I am so sorry.
Husband: ?
Me: It’s under Butt. Butt Muffler. 😀 😀 😀
Husband: There it is!
Me: It’s the username that keeps on giving.

So, friends, if you have a chance to choose your own username, take that moment to make it something that makes you giggle until you almost pee. Don’t use your real name unless you absolutely have to. Life’s too short to not take advantage of every opportunity to be a goofball. But please don’t use the name Butt Muffler. That one’s taken.