*the little thief

Written back in Nov. 2021

We’ve been dealing with some bad behavior recently. It’s not without reason. Not without cause. Owen, boychild’s best buddy at daycare is now in Kindergarten, which was hard on him. Owen’s a very loving dude, and he is severely missed. Not that Boychild doesn’t have another best friend at daycare. His former best friend is Savannah, but their relationship is fraught. They run hot; they run cold. Alliances are made, then broken. It’s complicated. I recall a two minute long Mametian monologue from him about Savannah, in which she told him that he “didn’t know her.” To whit: “She knows me. I don’t know why- she knows me. Why did she? Why did she say she didn’t know me? She KNOWS me.” I recorded it on my phone, and if any of y’all see me in person and want to see it, I will gladly show it to you. It’s masterful.

So, his other best buddy Owen is in kindergarten and Savannah is still at daycare with him, but their relationship is volatile. She asks for hugs every time he leaves, so I think they’re on good terms now, but who knows what the future will bring? Savannah is the same kid who would wake Boychild up from a nap in order to tell him all the reasons she didn’t like him. Can you imagine somebody waking your a$$ up from a dead sleep to say “I hate the way you chew,” and then leaving without a word? They’ll probably wind up married.

Adding to possible reasons for bad behavior is that Boychild had a bout of croup which landed him and us in the E.R. at 3am on a Monday. This has definitely influenced his bad behavior. When you take a sick kid and fill him full of steroids, it makes him crazy. He goes into a little ‘roid rage. Kids his age are already moody AF, so the ‘roids make the swings especially wild.

Regardless, we took a trip to the local pharmacy on our way for one last day at the beach (it was, like, October I wanna say?). I was there picking up some drugs, probably for Boychild, but maybe it was nicotine gum for me (I’m on year 9 or so of not smoking after my last lapse) or maybe some Advil or something, but while I was in line, Boychild went off to browse the keychain rotary. And oh, did he find something wonderful! For some reason, this pharmacy has Hamsa hands, evil-eye talismans and jeweled elephant key chains. Maybe it’s just an awesome pharmacy. However, they put their shiny baubly things at an easily accessible level for 4 year-olds, which is kind of a d!ck move. My 4 year old became enamored with the jeweled elephant and took it up to me, begging to buy it. I said no, and that I was just here to pick up some sh!t and then we were out-ee. I didn’t say that, but it’s what I thought. I probably said, “No, baby, we’re not getting that right now. We’re just getting medicine today.” He said “please?” I said “not today.” He said “but why?!?!” I said “because we’re not here for that.” Boychild wasn’t having it. He grabbed that purdy elephant and headed right for the f*ckin’ door!

My little thief took off into the parking lot, elephant keychain in hand. No one was going to stop him! He was going to have his GEE-DEE elephant! Now, I don’t know about y’all, but in my family, you DID NOT steal. My parents were not into corporal punishment, but I knew that if I stole something and got caught, woe be unto me. Also, it’s wrong to steal when it’s not food or smokes. That’s really my moral line. If you need food or smokes, I can see how you would steal them and I don’t want you to get caught. But if you are taking a stupid trinket, that’s not important enough and I hope you get caught. Same with my boy. When I saw him head out the store with the elephant keychain, I was pissed. First, I thought where are you going? I’m your ride. Then I thought “oh crap, you’re in a parking lot and you are going to get hit by a car.” He dodged me and said “MINE” over and over, trying to get away from me. So I did a little dance where I tried to get him to come to me, then I punted. Snatched him up and carried him back in the store while he howled “MINE.” I took him to the counter, where I asked him to put down the keychain but he screamed NO and so I had to pry the damned thing out of his hands.

I finally got it loose and left it on the counter. Meanwhile, Boychild was kicking. hitting and pinching (yes, pinching) me on the way to the car. I strongly put him in his seat, and drove past the lake. Boychild screamed and howled until I had to pull over. I said, “I am not going any further until you can get it together. You need to calm it.” I was silent. then he said “I’m scared.” I said, “listen, I will love you forever, no matter what you do, but I cannot accept you stealing. It’s wrong, and I won’t put up with it.”

Somehow we made it home and calmly played ’til bedtime. Since then, there haven’t been any incidents of theft that I know of. Though he has been accused of stealing hearts, I think our journey in petty larceny is over. For now.