Good Lord, y’all.

What’s 3.5 years old but acts like a surly, sullen teen? MY CHILD! I thought the term “threenager” was a joke or some hyperbolic catch-phrase that mom bloggers use. No, honey. Threenagers are real and they are exhausting. Boychild is hitting his threenager phase pretty hard. He’s hitting ME pretty hard, too. I’m shaking my head as I write this.The brain is under construction right now, especially the emotional regulation areas, so it’s no surprise that Boychild can’t really Keep Calm and Carry On. Doesn’t make it any less annoying, but it does make me feel better. I know that it’s developmental, not that he’s a crazed tyrant with a sadistic streak.

For you folks who have wee babes, let me tell you what you’re in for. Here’s what I’m dealing with:

1. The Attitude.
   My darling child, who regularly says “please” and “thank you,” now says, “Okay, FINE!” when he is told to do something he doesn’t want to do. At first, Husband and I thought this was funny. He stole the phrase from one of our favorite books, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, so the first time he popped off with an “okay, FINE, I chuckled and looked at husband with a “did he just say that?” look on my face. Now the phrase has become so commonplace with Boychild that I have nicknamed him “Mr. Fine.” He really hates it when I call him that, so I do it often. Along with the “okay, FINE” is a lot of eye-rolling. I really didn’t expect this to happen so soon, and I’d like to think Boychild is working on some advanced exasperation. I have an excellent GIF of him rolling his eyes at me on Mother’s Day, of all days. Oh, I forgot to mention, after Boychild says “okay, FINE!!” it’s usually followed by glass-shattering shrieks. I can only imagine what the neighbors think. “Are they summoning demons in there?!” “Where did they get a chimpanzee and what are they doing to that poor animal?”
2. The Door Slamming
   Recently added to the repertoire, the door slamming has the added advantage of annoying the parents AND scaring the cats, both of which are highly entertaining. Again, I thought we’d get some slammed doors around age 15 or so, but it’s happening so early that I wouldn’t be surprised to see him in his crib smoking a Marlboro Light and drinking a Zima. -Wait, I’m really dating myself with that reference. Let me try again- in his crib vaping and chugging a White Claw.
   Door-slams happen usually when he’s mad at me or dad for asking him to do something, like go to bed or not hit me or not jump off the back of the couch. It’s preceded by that old favorite, “okay FINE.” Are you getting tired of that phrase yet? Because I am. The door slamming is unique in that we literally only have two doors in the house to slam: one separating his room from ours, and the outside door. All the other doors are pocket doors and they don’t slam well. They sort of “Juhzzzzz” closed. Not effective. So he’s taken to slamming the fridge door whenever he can. Lucky for us, he’s not strong enough to open it yet, so he has to wait ’til it’s already open to slam it, bless him.
3. The Slappings and Kickings
   I know he’s only 3.5, but man, can Boychild hit. He might be a boxer when he grows up. The real forceful slaps hurt, but the real pain is knowing that he enjoys hitting me. “Don’t hit mama!” I say constantly. “But I want to!” he says. Or he’ll say, “But you made me mad!” which is the toddler version of, “but you made me hit you!” I get that he doesn’t have empathy yet, and I also understand that physically releasing negative energy (in the form of punches, kicks, etc. ) feels good. I also know from personal experience that it still hurts. The interwebs say be consistent, never hit back and talk about feelings. Check, check and check. Still, he hits. My rock ’em sock ’em Boychild loves to hit me, so now I just walk away. I wonder if he’ll be in therapy years down the road for this? For his mother abandoning him because of his heightened emotional states? Will he marry someone cold and distant? A person who ignores him and his emotions because I walked away from him when he hit me? By the way, Husband was mauled by a bear* and has been bedridden for two days, which makes all this threenager stuff more pronounced for yours truly. I get all the hits now, plus kicks! I’m tired of hearing okayfine. He must be just as tired of hearing me say “We don’t hit!! No hitting or kicking! ” and the rhetorical “When is it okay to hit or kick? Never!” Frankly, I’m tired of saying it. Sometimes, I just say “Stop it!” which reduces him to tears. Poor kid. Then I have to console him for hitting me. It’s so weird, being a parent. Am I doing this right?!? Is there a right?
4. The Bossiness
   Mister Boychild is very specific in his wants, which is a great thing to have as an actor. In fact, he wants many things: no music or talking in the car, a third banana, to walk by himself in the grocery store and that one toy that we threw away like, a year ago and he hasn’t seen in two years, but now that it’s been tossed, he really, really wants it NOW and nothing else in the world is more important. It’s all now, and it’s all important. Again, great qualities for an actor. Less desirable in a tiny human.
   
   My darling child is not all attitude. We have these sparkling moments or sheer joy and hilarity and sweetness that makes my heart ache. But lord, how did any of us make it to adulthood? I cannot believe my mama put up with my three year old self, because I know that I was as strong-willed and sassy to her as Boychild is to me. Maybe a little less slappy, though. Mom, I’d like to say “I’m so sorry. I now know what you went through with me, and I cannot wait for my son to apologize to me once he has one of his own.” In the meantime, I’m just going to try to keep calm and carry on.

*Husband was NOT mauled by a bear, but it sounds much better than the truth, which was he threw his back out after putting an empty milk jug in the recycling bin. Poor thing.