If there were an event on American Ninja Warrior called “Toddler Airport Wrasslin'” fewer people would be contestants. Toddler Airport Wrasslin’ will make a grown man cry, a strong woman weak and rich man beg. For those of you with wee babies, take your vacations now. Do not delay. Strap that baby on your chest and GO, because once they start walking and balking, travelling becomes and EXTREME SPORT.

Imagine the scene: Two adult humans are carrying two heavy wheelie bags that barely meet the carry-on limit, an overstuffed diaper bag, a dufflebag full of toys, a teeny suitcase for the boy, and a purse, the combined weight of which is approximately a thousand pounds. We look like middle-class refugees fleeing a war-torn outlet mall with a toddler who refuses to move and is yelling “No, mama!” like it’s his job. Thank God he’s over the phase where he kept shouting “Shiiiit!!!!” very loudly in public.

We just returned from a trip to the U.S.’s nether regions, involving airports, crowds and my personal favorite, lines. So many lines! FYI, lines are stupid to toddlers. Those metal rods with the seatbelts on them? What are they called, dividers? VIP things? They’re like the velvet rope at clubs, without being velvet or a rope. Boychild is 34 inches tall and gives a big ole F-U to dividers. The most direct path is a straight line, so why do a twirly queue when you can just run straight thru? When we try to wrangle him he either
1. Goes boneless and shifts into a liquid in our arms
2. Screams and kicks, alarming passers-by
3. Runs with emu-like speed away from us.
4. Collapses on the floor
We don’t approve of any of these options. I don’t run. I don’t like it, I don’t think I look dignified doing it- it’s not my brand. I’m more of a saunterer/glider type person. You want me to glide somewhere? Cool. I’ve got it. Saunter to the sofa? I’m there. Full-out run after a small child in the airport? No thanks.

I remember my mom had an accidental beagle who showed up in her yard one day. This poor wretch was scared of everything. We tried to take her on walks, but she would stop and wouldn’t go any further. We ended up dragging her by the leash after travelling only two feet. Boychild reminded me of this dog. He would just refuse to go further. Husband and I would literally grab him by both hands and drag him, which Boychild loved.

I think rolling luggage needs a seat on top for toddlers. Just like a little booster seat you could strap ’em onto. We tried this tact with Boychild and just sat him on top of Husband’s suitcase. He sat there, played with a Slinky and just chilled. It was the only way we got through security. Once we were in the gate areas, all he wanted to do was run free, so both of us took turns tailing him like the Secret Service. I send love and thanks to the airport trams that picked us up. We had been running up and down B gate for many miles. The driver even let Boychild drive and beep the horn! He saved my sanity and my biceps.

Looking back on lines and airports, I can just say I’m so glad we went and oh lord, are we glad to be home. More on travels later. Right now, I have a toddler to catch.