Let’s go back to a magical time- pre-COVID, pre-lockdown, when staying home for three straight days with one’s toddler required taking time off.  Commence wavy lines aaaand *blewdlie doop, blewdlie doop, blewdlie doop . . . * 

Boychild was about to turn 3 and we thought it was finally time to make this whole potty training thing official. We had flirted with the potty for the past year, peeing in it when we felt like it, but preferring the diaper over all. All we needed was a three-day stretch of time where we could both be home. We also needed a potty, a child, snacks, stickers, paper towels, a ton of underpants and a whole lotta patience. I found this method on The Offspring, which advocated for a very simple potty training method: you say repeatedly, “Tell me when you need to go potty.” Like, a million times. Before that, you make a big to-do of getting rid of the diapers and wearing big boy or girl underpants. Then when the pee-pee or poo-poo lands in the potty, you give a reward and act like you won the lottery. Since BC doesn’t like most treat-food, we gave him stickers and fruit gummies. Plying your child with tons of liquids and high-fiber food also helps. Here is how the first day went, more or less:

4am and the wind was howling outside. Boychild was calling to me “Mama. MAAAAMMMMAAAA.”  I’d been up since 3:00, thinking about what lay ahead for us today. 

Once dawn broke, it was time to begin POTTY TRAINING!

6:58: I told BC, “Tell me if you have to go potty.” He said “I have to go potty. I chugged coffee and we watched cats on YouTube.

7:00: He peed on the potty. Got those teeny underpants down and peed on the potty. I celebrated like he’d just cured cancer. We called Nana to bring her in on the celebration, and I think we woke her up. Oops. 

7:15: He’s watching a Mickey Mouse game on the TV and he’s sitting on the potty waiting to pee. He turned to me and said, “this is zawsting.” I said Exhausting? He said yeah. I said,  “that means really really tired, is that what you mean?” And he said “Yeah.” Then the cat came over and he said, apropos of nothing, “Is that little kitty afraid of crocodiles?” I said, “yeah.” 

7:30: Pee #2. Made a big deal out of it. Another sticker. Dad was awake and gave him 2 fruit bunnies. 

8am- First accident in pants. There was a tantrum when we turned off Peppa Pig and he forgot to go potty because he was mad.

9:15: A poop and then a pee in the potty. Lots of over-the-top cheering. I did somersaults and released the confetti cannon. We called everyone we knew. If you got a call from me on March 19, that’s why. 

For the rest of the day, liquids went where they were supposed to go and Boychild was covered in victory stickers. We slapped on a pull-up for bedtime, and day one was done. It was fabulous. Our guy got the peeing down to a science, no problem. We wondered why it took us so long to do this, even though there’s a child at BC’s daycare who is nearly five and isn’t potty trained. . Everything went so well that we thought our troubles were over. We were wrong . . .