Hey- did you know that having a child will make you sick? I mean, not just the birthing part where you can’t sit down without a rubber doughnut for months. No. SICK! I mean, sick. Colds, flu, some weird skin disease that looks like you’re rotting. I didn’t know this. I would’ve invested in liters of hand sanitizer and cute face protectors that make me look like I have a bear’s snoot or a kitten’s whiskers. Side note: whenever I see people in public wearing surgical masks, my first thought is always “Oh, they’re a biter.” It just reminds me of a muzzled dog.

We’re sick. We could blame the airport, sure. Or the trip to the aquarium. Or we could just blame the Gothic pollen of the DEEP SOUTH. I, personally would like to blame my new step father for teaching my son to do that “pop” noise with his finger in his mouth. Thank you for that, dude. Now my son sticks his dirty nubby fingers in his mouth all the time, trying to recreate that delectable noise. Pop.

Pop goes the veins in my neck when my child swabs the floor of the public toilet with his hand then sticks his finger in his mouth to go “Pop”, like his Oompah. Guh. Can’t really blame Oompah for this one. I’ve been sick maybe 10 months out of 12? More? More like 13 out of 12?

Look, we have the best possible set of circumstances. Boychild is healthy in all ways and he’s really cute. Despite all the luck and good things, our child is sick all the time. Which means I’m sick all the time. It’s hard to explain to people without kids what this is like. When not-parents are sick, they can rest. Watch some Netflix, nap, chug Nyquil, eat mounds of Ibuprofen- whatever. When parents are sick, they still have to perform their daily acts of heroism. Taking care of a sick child when you’re sick- you really lose your sense of wonder. I feel like someone replaced my bones with lead and shoved an ice pick in my sinuses. I don’t know how single moms do it.

I truly enjoy all the helpful hints about staying well during cold and flu season, like

Get plenty of sleep! That’s hilarious. For about a year, Boychild woke up at 3:30am. Ay-Em. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to carouse. Then he fell asleep at 6:00am, when the household had to get ready for work. We didn’t sleep enough for a human. Thankfully, we now awake at the luxurious hour of 5am, sometimes later. As a person who loves sleep and can sleep for 10hrs at a time, this still seems meager. If there were an Olympic event in sleeping, I think I’d make the team. Sleep for America! Go for the GOLD! My drool itself would win silver for sure. I’m waaay out of practice these days, but once Boychild is a teen, we’ll see if he and I can compete in who sleeps the longest. Looking forward to it. I’m sure he’ll be a gracious loser.

Wash Hands Frequently! Very funny. I can wash my hands until they peel, but when a child literally coughs into your mouth, hand-washing does not help. I wrote a Haiku about this very thing:
I am a human Kleenex
My uniform is
Snot epaulets and sneeze hair
It’s just gross being a mom sometimes.
When the child goes through a licking phase and must taste rocks, leaves, walls, his own foot, etc. hand-washing doesn’t help. We take the kid to this indoor play area with all these toys, and I swear ta Gahd I see microbes just swarming all over the place. We still take him because it’s ten below and ice-raining (ricing?) outside. Also, he loves it and we want to tire him out because we want him to sleep (see above). But you know other snotty little kids are licking things and wiping their poopy faces all over the toys.

Eat lots of Fruits and Vegetables! Is there a fruit or a vegetable that tastes like a hot dog? No? Then Boychild ain’t eating it. No, not totally true. He will suck a fruit pouch dry like Dracula draining a virgin, but that’s about it. We adults are eating plenty of fruits and veggies. Maybe too many. These days, my stomach sounds like either
A. A Haunted House
B. A lonely whale
C. A bottle rocket being launched several miles away

So sexy, I know.

In the time it took me to write this post (a week? Two? Time doesn’t matter in the magical land of Toddleria), and we’ve all gotten better. I no longer sound like a nerd. Boychild is less juicy & Husband is snorting less. We’ve got about a month before we all get sick again, so we must Carpe Diem!! The clock is ticking!!