My child, my darling 2 year old brushed my teeth for me today. He took his little baby brush with the buck toothed bristles (he has another perfectly good brush, but hates it) and stuck it right on my teeth right in my MOUTH. In. My. Mouth. Now, there are many gross things in this world, most of which are on the internet, and there are many disgusting thing about parenting, but this really makes me cringe. Is it because he stuck the same toothbrush in the toilet then cried when I wouldn’t give it back to him? Is it because he recently got over pink-eye? Is it because I don’t love him enough to share his toothbrush? No.

I am a pretty even-keeled person, but I do not like gross mouth stuff, like spittle, barf, loogies, chewed food- that kind of stuff. I will not share your gum. If there’s a movie where someone is puking, I cannot watch it. I have to turn my head. Many people find puking very funny. I’d rather see someone crap their pants. Luckily for me, I have a child, so there are plenty of opportunities there.

I think the chewed food thing kept me from waiting tables when I was younger. Can’t. Deal. Won’t deal. Thankfully, the little dude hasn’t had the barfs yet. I’m gonna tap his dad to deal with that when it inevitably happens.

We’re also at the stage where we like to blow spitty raspberries into mama’s face. Again, nerrrrrrrr. Not something I enjoy. Now, I can kiss somebody all day long. French, Italian, Russian, Eskimo- whatever style kissing is great. I think it’s when the item leaves the mouth that I take issue. When my son brushes my teeth for me again (and he will) I will once again tolerate it with love and dry heaves because if brushing my teeth helps him learn to brush his, I’m all for it.